


The Hiding Shadows

by Fox_Salz



Series: Creaturestuck [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Background Gamkar, Background Relationships, Background Solkat, Blood and Gore, Child Neglect, Child Soldiers, Equius gets little crushes on all his friends, F/M, Horror, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Magic-Users, Murder, Past Character Death, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Queerplatonic Relationships, Self-Harm, Shapeshifting, Violence, Werewolves
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-09-18
Packaged: 2019-11-07 19:55:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17967005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fox_Salz/pseuds/Fox_Salz
Summary: The life and suffering, and love, of Equius Zahhak.





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> Here we are with some more Creaturestuck! And instead of continuing right after part one, we get a look back at Equius. Heed the warnings, things will get gruesome.

Equius frowned as he stepped out of the portal and looked around. This place wasn’t what he had been expecting at all.

 

Not that Gamzee had put much detail into the meeting place, focusing all his attention on _who_ he was meeting. So instead of telling Equius “we meet up in some abandoned house that looks ready to fall apart at the slightest breeze,” he told him “Karkat has the prettiest eyes, and he’s such a funny little shouty motherfucker”.

 

Equius just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. For a bevy of reasons. First off, he in no way shape or form wanted to hang around this abysmal place. Second, he was absolutely _terrified_ of what would happen if he were caught sneaking out. He should know better, well aware of what was currently happening to Gamzee, but that was exactly why he was there. Because Gamzee couldn’t be, and had begged him to let Karkat know. There had been tears in his eyes and Equius hadn’t been able to deny him. Even though he rightly should have.

 

He wished Aradia had come with him. But she was in just as much trouble as Gamzee. And Tavros was being monitored closely in the lab, while their siblings were busy with their own tasks, so Equius had come alone.

 

A door opened and Equius turned. Two kids about his age walked in. For a moment it was hard to make them out, the moon behind them, but then one held up a flashlight, shining it between them.

 

“Who the fuck are you?”

 

“Well that language is quite uncalled for.”

 

“I’ll use whatever language I goddamn feel like, asshole. Now who the fuck are you?”

 

“If you’re going to be so crude I won’t tell you who I am. Besides, I’m simply here to relay the message that Gamzee couldn’t make it.”

 

“Why not?” the crude one—Karkat, he was sure—asked, brow furrowing.

 

Doc Scratch’s cold blank face popped into his mind and Equius suppressed a shudder. Knowing Gamzee wouldn’t want this Karkat to hear the details he simply said, “He is...busy.”

 

“Well that’s a shit answer.”

 

“Is he okay?” the other one asked.

 

“I’ve given the message, I’m leaving now.”

 

“You need to stay!” the second one demanded, stepping in front of Karkat and puffing out her chest. “You never even told us your name.”

 

“I will not.”

 

“But you should!”

 

“No.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“ _No_.”

 

“Yes!”

 

They went back and forth like that until Karkat stepped between them with a long string of curses that left Equius’ face red hot.

 

“God I’m not putting up with this a second longer. Come on Nepeta, fuck this guy.”

 

“But Karkitty, I was just about to break him.”

 

“You were not,” Equius denied indignantly. He wouldn’t be easily manipulated by some girl he didn’t know.

 

“If you say so. Goodbye, whatever your name is.”

 

“Equius,” Equius corrected without thinking. “Fiddlesticks.”

 

“Watch the goddamn language, fuckwad. My sister shouldn’t be exposed to that.”

 

“Apologies.” Again, a reactive response. Equius sighed. “I’m leaving now.”

 

“Bye, Equihiss!”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

But she was already bounding out the door behind her brother.

 

—

 

The next time Gamzee snuck out to visit his Karkat, he dragged Equius along. Aradia almost came but Tavros had been injured slightly in some experiments so she stayed behind for him. An irrational pang of jealousy struck him at that but he shoved it away.

 

Karkat brought along that Nepeta again. She insisted on calling him _Equihiss_ all night, and she used it in nearly every sentence she spoke to him. Which was quite a few since Gamzee and Karkat went off in their own for a while, leaving them to their own devices.

 

“Come on, Equihiss, what do you do for fun? I like coloring.”

 

“Certainly not childish things like that.”

 

Actually he painted with Gamzee sometimes but Nepeta didn’t need to know that.

 

She stuck her tongue out at him before saying, “Then what do you do, mister no fun?”

 

“Don’t call me that.”

 

“Alright, Equihiss.”

 

When would his suffering end?

 

She kept badgering him but he wouldn’t rise to her goading. Eventually she got bored and started to curl in on herself, body shrinking and changing until she was suddenly a cat. Equius jerked back, startled. Her eyes glowed in the low light as she gazed over at him. Fascinated, he stared back.

 

After a moment she came over and climbed onto his lap. Equius held very still.

 

This wasn’t good. He _broke_ things. He never meant to but he was so strong and didn’t know how to control it, and she was far too delicate. He accidentally bruised his friends during games with what he thought were light touches. Constantly he’d break lab equipment or his father’s bow, shatter glasses he was drinking from, crack things around the mansion. He didn’t want to hurt this little human girl turned cat.

 

She rubbed her head against his jaw. Equius began sweating.

 

Nepeta walked around his lap until she found a spot she liked and began kneading. Equius held himself even tighter, trembling with the effort of staying still.

 

“Stop that,” Equius ordered when he could take it no longer.

 

She did and he breathed a sigh of relief, only to tense up once more as she batted at his hair.

 

“You are a menace.”

 

She meowed right next to his ear, sounding quite pleased with herself.

 

Equius sighed and let her do as she pleased.

 

After a while she seemed to have had enough of tormenting him and hopped off; Equius was a little disappointed but squashed that down. Nepeta started trotting off but stopped and glanced back at him. She blinked slowly, purposefully, keeping her eyes half lidded at him. He just stared. When she didn’t make any other move he mimicked the odd action. This seemed to please her as she let out a little trill. It was very cute.

 

She started off again, glancing behind her as if telling him to follow. Equius hesitated only a moment before getting up. He followed her all the way up to the dusty and derelict attic.

 

Nepeta was quite nimble, which he supposed should be expected of a cat even if they had been just a human girl not an hour ago. She jumped on rafters, crossing them with ease, while he trailed after as best he could. Climbing all throughout the mansion with the others had trained him for this moment well.

 

“Where are we going?” he wondered. A silly action, really, since it didn’t seem like she was capable of human speech in this form. Indeed all she did was pause a moment to stretch.

 

Eventually they reached a hole in the ceiling that she hopped onto. Equius had to stand on his tiptoes to reach it and pull himself through. He followed her up to the roof, gingerly sitting and hoping it wouldn’t cave in. It creaked dangerously beneath him.

 

Before he could dwell too much on that he heard, “I thought mew could use some fresh air. To make you less of a cranky pants.”

 

Equius narrowed his eyes at the once-again-human girl. “I am not a cranky pants and you will refrain from calling me that again.”

 

She stuck out her tongue and blew a raspberry at him. Then she sat down beside him, about as respectful of personal space as Gamzee or Aradia.

 

“What’s it like where you live, Equihiss? Gamzee says you live in a big mansion, but he never tells us much more than that.”

 

“There isn’t much else to say. It is very green that is too bright and hurts my eyes.”

 

“That’s too bad. You need sunglasses for indoors.”

 

Equius didn’t want to bother his father, especially since he’d probably just break them anyway. And he wasn’t about to ask Doc Scratch for _anything_. At best that would be unwise. At worst, well. It wasn’t his place to ask for things.

 

He looked out into the night. The moon was round and full, and quite gorgeous. It wasn’t the same moon Equius saw at the manor. All they got there was desolation and void.

 

Equius decided that the next time Gamzee snuck out he’d come, too.

 

—

 

They were out of cereal. Not just the one Equius liked the best, but every single kind. There were also no more eggs, the bread hadn’t been closed properly and was hard, and there was only about a cup’s worth of milk left. There was also an inexplicable bag of baby carrots which he saved for Tavros who didn’t eat any animal; he felt bad since he could communicate with them. Equius could make do with something else.

 

There were so many little Scotty dogs, though.

 

Making a face, Equius poured himself the rest of the milk. He had to use a chair to climb onto the counter to reach the cups. He broke the first one, grabbing it too roughly. Well, this was why he wore gloves. Dad had made him after Equius cut his fingers up bad once. It was much more pleasant not getting glass deep in his skin.

 

The second cup was a success. Pleased with himself he sipped his milk and headed out of the kitchen, ignoring his rumbling stomach. He would remind Dad to go get groceries before dinner.

 

He couldn’t do it right then because Dad was busy doing something for Doc Scratch. Normally he’d find Aradia’s mother if she were around, but while Hecate technically was in the manor she was... Equius wasn’t quite sure what was happening. Doc Scratch was angry with her for something that none of them knew about so he had her in the dungeon. Equius shuddered imagining that place. He never wanted to anger Scratch enough to end up there himself. He had more self preservation than that, unlike Aradia and Gamzee.

 

Besides, Scratch had never given Equius a direct command he couldn’t or wouldn’t follow through. Equius prided himself on that. Equius didn’t much care for Scratch, but he couldn’t deny how nice it was to earn his praise.

 

He kept thinking about those humans, though, and the world they lived in. He knew he shouldn’t be, just like he knew they shouldn’t be sneaking out to see them. Their families were enemies to Doc Scratch, after all!

 

There was no denying the allure, though. And both Aradia and Tavros had started going with them, too. So, well, if his friends were going to continue sneaking out then it was Equius’ duty to go along and protect them. Mostly from themselves.

 

Feeling pleased with his decision, Equius started for his father’s labs. He would wait outside the door for a while. Surely he wouldn’t be much longer. Equius sat crossed legged and sipped his milk.

 

Twenty minutes that felt to Equius like twenty hours passed. In that time he’d grown increasingly hungry and increasingly frustrated. There was just enough milk in his cup to cover the bottom; he’d tried to make it last, Horuss having told him once that slowly drinking helped hunger, though he wasn’t quite sure that was correct. As he gazed at the milk intently, willing his father to hurry up, his hand gripped just a little too hard and suddenly there was an explosion of glass and milk. Equius blinked rapidly, milk in his left eye. Then he let out a frustrated cry, consumed with rage, and tossed chunks of glass against the wall where they shattered again.

 

As he sat there panting the door finally opened and Dad’s head popped out. He looked around in confusion, eyes landing on Equius.

 

“Equius, are you alright?”

 

“Someone needs to go grocery shopping.”

 

“I—“ Dad stopped, nodded, stepped out of his labs. “Let me get you cleaned up and I will.”

 

Dad scooped him up, and even though he was far too old to be carried by his father—he was eight, for goodness sakes!—Equius wrapped his arms around Dad and laid his head on his chest.


	2. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Children play, while they still have the chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! An update of this on Homestuck Day no less. Happy 4/13, enjoy some cute moments and foreshadowing.

Gamzee and Nepeta’s laughter rung out, wrapping around each other and filling the whole house. Equius wasn’t sure if the sound was pretty or grating. At that moment he was leaning towards the latter.

 

They were at their abandoned house. Aradia and Tavros were there, too, and the siblings had brought along three friends of theirs. A game of tag had started up. Equius, after being pounced on and slapped on the back of the head by Nepeta before she’d run off, was currently ‘it’. Inconsequential was the fact he hadn’t been playing.

 

With a resigned sigh he followed after everyone else.

 

Aradia and Tavros ran in the direction of the kitchen, Kanaya ducked into a back room, and the others raced upstairs. Equius chose to go after them, hoping Karkat or Gamzee would lag behind or maybe trip and Equius could quickly free himself from this position.

 

On the second floor he just caught Sollux and Terezi sneaking down the hallway. For a brief second he considered following after, but Sollux had psionics and he didn’t want to deal with that. Instead he continued up to the attic where the others had climbed up to.

 

When he stepped through the doorway Nepeta jumped out at him and, startled, he tripped over his own feet and fell backwards. Giggling, she ran off and transformed. Equius scowled.

 

“You’re going to fall, dumbass,” Karkat said, and Equius glanced over at him.

 

He was staring up at Gamzee on one of the rafters that did indeed look rickety. He just swung his legs back and forth over the edge with a careless grin. Nepeta hopped into his lap and started to knead, purring loudly.

 

While Karkat was distracted Equius slid up beside him. As he reached out to tag him, however, Karkat warned, “Don’t you dare.” Equius lowered his hand.

 

He gazed up at the other two, wondering if he’d have to climb up there, as well, to get them. He didn’t particularly want to.

 

“Come down here this instant,” he ordered.

 

“I think I motherfucking will not, Eqbro,” Gamzee drawled, patting Nepeta’s head. She leaned up into the touch.

 

While not surprised, Equius was still peeved. Perhaps he could just jump and graze Gamzee’s foot—

 

And of course Gamzee suddenly sprung up, Nepeta jumping to his shoulder. The rafter wobbled.

 

“Perhaps you really should come down.”

 

“Nepeta, if you die I’ll be the one grounded so get the fuck down here already.”

 

Just as Nepeta shook her head and Gamzee started reassuring them, the wood creaked. There was a second where her back arched and his eyes widened, and then the rafter broke.

 

Equius moved without thinking, jolting forward to catch them before they hit the ground and covering them with this own body as best he could so the wood wouldn’t crush them. Gamzee wasn’t so much a concern as Nepeta was, especially while she was something as delicate as a cat.

 

When everything settled down Equius opened his eyes. Gamzee looked dazed but unharmed. Karkat was far too loud, coming over to check on slash berate them all. Nepeta, shifted back to her human form, was looking at Equius with wide eyes. She threw her arms around him.

 

“You’re so cool, Equius!”

 

“Oh.” He blinked. “You are both very heavy. Can I set you down now?”

 

“Yeah, brother. S’good.”

 

Equius sat them down as gently as he could. Nepeta was still clinging to him, face nuzzling into his neck. Equius began to sweat.

 

“You may let go of me now. In fact I command it.”

 

“You’re so weird, Equius,” Nepeta playfully huffed. She did finally release him, however.

 

Equius let out a relieved breath. Then Nepeta took something out of her jacket and was thrusting it into his face.

 

“Here, Equius, I almost furgot. Mew should have these since mew said the light is always bothering your eyes.”

 

They were sunglasses. Specifically sunglasses with a green frame that had triangles coming off of either eye like cat ears.

 

“I’ll just break them,” he mumbled.

 

“That’s okay. I’ll just get you mew ones when you do.”

 

Oh, Equius almost missed that cat pun. His stomach did a sort of somersault, crashing the landing. With the most gentle touch he could manage, Equius slipped the glasses on. Even in an already poorly lit attic there was instant relief.

 

“Thank you, Nepeta.”

 

She squealed and threw her arms back around him.

 

“They’re so cute on mew!”

 

He hesitated just a moment before patting her back.

 

—

 

“Equius? Equius, where are you?”

 

Equius glanced up from the machinery he was tinkering with. Everything was so much darker through the shades Nepeta had given him, no matter how ridiculous they looked; and they were quite silly, Horuss and Kurloz had let him know that right away. They helped so much, though, and they were a gift from Nepeta, so he kept using them. Besides, the teasing wasn’t too bad anymore since Damara had knocked their heads together and told them off.

 

“Equius? Equius!”

 

Dad was still calling for him. He’d passed by the table he was under several times now. Equius scooted to the edge and went back to his tinkering.

 

After a few more minutes and desperate calling, Dad finally spotted him. He rushed over and kneeled down in front of Equius.

 

“Have you been here the whole time?” Equius nodded. Dad let out a relieved breath. “Good, good. Come here.”

 

Dad held out his arms and Equius set down his project to climb into them. He scooped Equius up and stood, pressing a kiss to the top of his head.

 

“Why didn’t you answer me, little one?” Equius only shrugged. He was curious how long it would take him, but didn’t want to let him know that. “When I call you, please answer.”

 

“Yes, Daddy.”

 

“Thank you, Equius. You’re the only one I couldn’t find. I was worried.”

 

“Why? Gamzee’s the one who gets stuck in ovens.”

 

“Because—I’m sorry, what?” Dad shook his head. “No, no, don’t tell me. Allow me some plausible deniability.” Dad pushed hair out of Equius’ face, smiling at his glasses. “These are cute. I was worried that you would try to see what Scratch has the older children doing. I’ve already had to stop Aradia from sneaking in.”

 

“What _are_ they doing?”

 

Grimacing Dad replied, “Unfortunately, you’ll all find out when you’re older. But come now. You can play with your friends while I work.“

 

Equius nodded as Dad carried him into the other lab.

 

—

 

Every game of hide and seek so far had ended with whoever was seeker unable to find Equius until he willingly stepped out of whatever shadow he was in. It was increasingly frustrating the others who weren’t used to his impeccable hiding skills. Karkat screamed at him more than once. Which wasn’t necessarily new, but he’d gotten extra colorful tonight. It was oddly gratifying.

 

Currently it was Nepeta’s turn as seeker and Equius was relaxing in a hole in the wall, idly reconfiguring numbers in his head for different projects. For all the others he could hear them traipsing around as they searched, but Nepeta was quite light-footed no matter which form. He could hear whenever she find someone else, however.

 

There was Gamzee and Tavros first, both laughing as she opened the closet they were stuffed in. Then she caught Karkat and Sollux behind a broken down couch, undoubtedly because they had been whisper-yell arguing. Next was Kanaya in the kitchen, followed a few minutes later by Terezi somewhere on the second floor, then finally Aradia in the attic. Equius wondered how long he should wait this time before revealing himself. Since it was Nepeta he should be mercifully quick, maybe after just a couple of—

 

“There mew are!”

 

Equius gave a jolt, banging his head on a piece of wood and snapping it off. He stared incredulously at the beaming face peering at him through the jagged hole.

 

“You found me?”

 

Nepeta giggled, climbing in and dropping on his lap unceremoniously.

 

“Of course I did, silly. I am a furocious purredator who always catches her prey.” It was dark but he could still plainly see the glint of her teeth as she flashed him a grin. “Mew are my top prey.”

 

That was slightly intimidating. Flattering, he thought, but certainly intimidating.

 

“I don’t understand how you found me.”

 

“You aren’t furry good at listening, Equius. I always catch my prey.”

 

Equius shook his head. “That’s not a real answer. I command you to tell me how you found where I was.”

 

“No.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“No.”

 

“Yes.”

 

Nepeta stuck out her tongue then repeated, “No. You’ll never be able to hide from me, Equius.”

 

Something fluttered in his chest. It settled right in the middle, radiating warmth.

 

“Does that mean it’s my turn?” Equius wondered after a minute.

 

“Yup! Mew have to count to a hundred. And no peeking!”

 

She clambered back out of the hole, Equius helping her before stepping out himself. His foot caught on something and she yanked on it until he was free.

 

“Okay, now close your eyes. I’ll know if mew cheat.”

 

Equius obeyed without question. He began counting out loud, listening to her fading footsteps that were already so faint.

 

He decided he never wanted Nepeta out of his life.


	3. III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scratch has a mission for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a few months, whoops. I haven't abandoned this series yet, though. 
> 
> This chapter is rough! Bad things happen, so if you're squeamish sorry. Warnings for murder, graphic depictions of violence, and a lot of blood.

“Fiddlesticks,” Equius mumbled to himself.

 

There went another pair of sunglasses, completely unusable. Well, he supposed he could tape—

 

The lens popped out, bouncing across the floor.

 

Equius tossed the shades in the garbage. Those had been his last backup pair, too. He’d have to wear Nepeta’s shades.

 

Four years later and he still had them, taking extra care to keep them safe. They were a little dinged and didn’t quite sit proper on his face anymore, but by some miracle the lenses were intact, not a single crack on them. Even the silly little ears were still on, though one was held by glue. He’d accidentally broken it during some game and had presented it sadly to Nepeta who he had expected to yell and hate him. Instead she had sat in his lap and told him it was okay, sometimes things break. She’d taken them with her, and the next time they met up she had fixed them, and brought along a few extra pairs of varying styles.

 

After that he’d worn them sparingly, afraid of harming them again. He tried to always wear them for Nepeta, though.

 

There was a ringing through the mansion. Equius frowned, slipping the shades on. What could Scratch want now?

 

As he stepped out of his room he was swept up in a Team Charge whirlwind. Aradia grabbed one arm while Tavros grabbed the other, spinning him around and talking his ears off.

 

“Finally the strange creature leaves its nest.”

 

“We, uh, can now study, it, interacting with, uh, others.”

 

“I refuse to be a part of whatever nonsense this is. Unhand me.”

 

They shared a look, a giggle, and chimed as one, “Nope!”

 

Equius groaned.

 

“What is up, my motherfuckers?”

 

Gamzee was coming down the hall with his usual lackadaisical ambling and matching grin. He waved.

 

“Ah, good, Gamzee. Please assist me in shaking off these two.”

 

“No problem, brother.”

 

Gamzee leaned down and picked him up bridal style.

 

“Oh my hoofness.”

 

Was he sweating? Equius was sure he was sweating. It was suddenly far too hot in the manor.

 

“Put me down at once.”

 

“Nah,” Gamzee drawled, already starting down the stairs. “They’d only get you again if I did.”

 

Aradia and Tavros laughed freely as they trailed after them. Equius sagged in Gamzee’s hold, face burning, as he accepted his fate.

 

Scratch was waiting for them in the parlor. Dad, Aradia’s mother, and Tavros’ father were all there, as well, none looking happy. Not that she ever looked pleased, and Tavros’ father never smiled in Scratch’s presence, and it really wasn’t uncommon for his father to look rather perturbed, but right then they were each seething with a palpable rage with no proper outlet.

 

Instantly the four quieted, Gamzee setting Equius down. He tried to wrack his brain for something they could be in trouble for. It was quite a long list, but surely there was no way Scratch could have found out about their worst offenses. Demurely they waited for Scratch to speak.

 

“Children,” he announced, clapping his hands together, voice making Equius wince. Beside him Gamzee fidgeted. “Today is a very special day for you four. I have an important task that, while I could easily do myself, I want you to perform.”

 

Dad wouldn’t look at them, glaring at the floor like he wanted to break it. His hands were behind his back, and Equius guessed by the tension of his shoulders he was gripping his arms tight, maybe balling his hands into fists. Alde was in much the same position, though he was glowering at Scratch with such vitriol he was sure Scratch could feel it.

 

Mother was looking past them, eyes far away. Equius wasn’t sure she was even registering what was happening around her.

 

“You four come with me. Chop chop, I don’t have infinite time.” Scratch chuckled to himself. “That’s a lie, of course, I have more time than you could possibly fathom, but I still hate for it to be wasted.“

 

Scratch turned and dutifully they followed, Equius moving first which prompted the others. He glanced at their parents as he passed but not one looked back at him.

 

They were led to one of the back rooms. It seemed the same as always, except for the old woman he’d never seen before. She was kneeling in the middle of the room, arms bound to her legs from the back. Her head was down, and if it weren’t for how she was tied Equius imagined she wouldn’t be upright at all.

 

“Is she, okay?” Tavros wondered.

 

“She is alive. That is where you four come in.” His words were laced with amusement and Equius suppressed a shiver.

 

“I don’t all up and get what you’re laying down, motherfucker,” Gamzee admitted, scratching the back of his head, fingers tangling in his wild mane. “Ain’t someone else a better fit for giving this chica some medical attention?”

 

“What I am getting at, children, is that this woman,” his hand swept out towards her, “is an enemy to our Lord English. It is your job to nullify that threat. To put it in plain words, Gamzee, since I know you have trouble understanding the simplest concepts, I want you four to kill her.”

 

Equius’ blood ran cold.

 

“I am going to lock this door and none of you are leaving until she’s no longer breathing. Use any means you see fit, it will be interesting to see what you choose. Afterwards I’ll have a cake ready. Doesn’t that sound lovely?”

 

Scratch didn’t wait for an answer. He closed the door behind him, the lock echoing as it clicked.

 

For a very long moment no one spoke. They all looked at each other for some sort of clarity or alternate meaning to his words that none of them could offer.

 

Then there was a raspy laugh and they all swiveled towards the old woman.

 

“Hoo hoo, that Scratch sure finds himself funny, doesn’t he? Of course it means you poor things are the butt of the joke.”

 

She lifted her head, and of all things she was _smiling_.

 

“Who, uh, are, you?” Tavros asked, stammer more pronounced than usual.

 

“You sweethearts can just call me Nanna. I have a couple of grandkids about your ages. I bet you’d all get along so well.”

 

No one said anything else, silently staring at the old woman.

 

“What are your names?”

 

“Karkat told me that his parents told him to not talk to strangers,” Gamzee said, and everyone turned to him incredulously.

 

“I, uh, don’t really, think that matters much, uh, right now, Gamzee.”

 

Taking a step forward Aradia introduced, “I’m Aradia. These are my friends Tavros, Gamzee, and Equius. And don’t worry, we’ll think of something.”

 

“Maybe he all up doesn’t actually want us to off the old lady.”

 

“Then why would he tell us to?” Equius challenged. Gamzee shrugged, rubbing his arm and honking softly.

 

“We can’t just let her die!” Aradia protested.

 

We, we can’t _kill_ her.”

 

Equius glanced over at Tavros. He looked close to tears. Equius swallowed past the lump in his throat.

 

“I refuse to kill anything,” he said.

 

“I’m sorry, dearies, but you really don’t have a choice here.” Her smile was sad but resolved. “With Scratch you don’t get to make your own choices.”

 

None of them could refute that.

 

Dread hung in the air. All of them refused to look at each other. Equius watched the old woman—Nanna—from behind his shades, never before so thankful to have them. It was like an extra layer separating him from the reality Doc Scratch had thrust upon them.

 

“Now don’t look so glum, little ones. That’s not going to help anything. Want to hear a joke? I’m full of them.”

 

“I like jokes,” Aradia replied, and Gamzee gave an agreeing honk.

 

“Hoo hoo! A horse walks into a bar and goes up to order a drink. The bartender asks ‘why the long face?’ The horse says ‘I was born this way.’”

 

They didn’t laugh.

 

“I don’t all up and get it, lady. Sorry.”

 

“That’s alright, sweetheart. I’m usually much more of a blast than this. Pranks are easier than japes, anyway.”

 

“We need to figure something out,” Aradia declared, turning to the others.

 

“Scratch, will be, uh, mad. If we don’t, obey him. I don’t, want to, though.”

 

“What can we do?” Gamzee asked, voice smaller than Equius had ever heard it.

 

It was Nanna who replied.

 

“There’s nothing else to do, dearies. I’m afraid you have to kill me. But don’t you fret like that! I’ve lived a good long life so far, I don’t mind it ending here. Besides, if you don’t do what he wants, Scratch may decide he doesn’t need you. You’ve got parents, don’t you, and siblings?” They all nodded. “He only needs one of a bloodline. You four are just extras, I’m afraid.”

 

Something awful dropped to the bottom of Equius stomach and coiled there miserably.

 

“What the motherfuck shit is coming out of your gab hole, lady?”

 

“My, you really are a colorful one, aren’t you? Hoo hoo! I meant what I said just as it sounds, little ones. Scratch doesn’t want any of you falling into our hands instead, but he doesn’t necessarily _need_ you. Not so long as the others are around.”

 

“I, uh, don’t understand, either. What, does Scratch need, ‘one of each’ for?”

 

“Why, to make sure that dastardly Lord English can finally consume everything, of course. But we’ve chatted enough, dearies. I’m afraid it’s time to carry out his orders.”

 

The others started protesting. Equius wracked his brain for some way out of this, even as acceptance seeped in. Scratch would never be foolish enough to give them a way out from something like this.

 

Something suddenly occurred to Equius and he asked, “Wait, if you’re an enemy of Scratch, does that mean you know the Leijon-Vantas’s?”

 

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” Nanna replied shaking her head. “But chin up, we’re all destined to meet each other one way or another. Hoo hoo! Paradox Space is a wily one.”

 

“This motherfucker is still all up fifty shades of confused by this unmirthful shitshow,” Gamzee mumbled. Equius glanced over and saw how he’d dug his claws into his arm, piercing skin. Little purple pinpricks of blood seeped out around his nails.

 

“Unmirthful indeed, little ones. But it’s time now. I’m sorry for what you have to do.”

 

“Your apology, doesn’t make it, uh, better. Mostly because, this isn’t your, fault.”

 

“I was silly enough to get caught. Now. You need to decide how you’re going to do it.”

 

“Ain’t you strong enough to break the lady’s neck, Eqbro?”

 

Aghast Equius physically recoiled. “I will do no such thing!“

 

“We need something that would be a clean death,” Aradia decided resolutely. “We can’t just let Nanna suffer. It wouldn’t be right.”

 

“None of, uh, this, is right. Except, I suppose, your, suggestion.”

 

They scoured the room for something they could use. Nanna tried to lighten the mood with more jokes, most of them going right over Equius’ head. Her attempts were appreciated, though.

 

All they managed to find was, of all things, some dusty discarded sword. It didn’t look in good shape at all, and Equius wondered if it had ever been much better, but it would do the job.

 

The job they couldn’t put off any longer.

 

“We found this,” Aradia announced, presenting the sword to Nanna. The old woman’s eyes widened, and Equius’ stomach flipped. “We’ll try to make it as quick and painless as possible.”

 

“Oh my. Is that... Turn the katana over for me, dearie. There we go, thank you. It _is_ his. Well, I suppose that answers that question. Pity I can’t let the others know. Ah well, it is what it is. Hoo hoo!”

 

There was silence for a minute. Tavros shifted awkwardly. Gamzee let out a little whine.

 

“Waiting won’t help matters, little ones. It’s just like taking off a bandage—better to get it all in one quick go rather than inch along. Only prolongs the pain.”

 

Aradia nodded and turned to them.

 

“We should all hold onto the handle. That way we share responsibility.”

 

“None of you are responsible, dearies. It’s all that Doc Scratch.”

 

“But we, um, still have, to do it.”

 

With some hesitance everyone agreed. After deciding it would be best to cut her throat—ribs were in the way of her heart, and people could feasibly survive a stomach wound—Aradia positioned the sword. Everyone grabbed the handle.

 

“Goodbye, dearies. You’re all lovely little rascals. It’s a shame this is how we met.”

 

“Goodbye, Nanna,” Aradia returned solemnly. “You seem like a very nice old lady.”

 

“We’re, um, really sorry about this, Nanna. Thank you, for, being so, uh, understanding. I don’t think, we could, do it otherwise.”

 

“Just remember something for me, little ones. You’re much stronger than you think.” Nanna closed her eyes. She looked so serene.

 

Someone’s hand was shaking; Equius couldn’t tell whose.

 

“I’m ready, dearies. Been long enough, let’s not draw it out any longer.”

 

“On the count of three,” Aradia said. “One.” Equius tightened his hold. “Two.” Without moving his head he glanced away from Nanna. “Three.”

 

In tandem they all thrusted forward.

 

Nanna made a terrible gurgling sound, eyes flying open before rolling to the back of her head. Blood gushed out, spraying everywhere and pooling on the floor in front of her. Some of it hit Equius’ face and glasses with an audible splatter. The old woman twitched, then slumped forward onto the blade. They all waited a moment but she didn’t make another move or sound. The deed was done.

 

Everything stopped feeling real after that. Equius was having a hard time at keeping stock of what was going on. He wasn’t really aware of letting go of the blade.

 

Nanna, sword still stuck in her throat, toppled over with a terrible clatter that sounded like a far off echo in Equius’ ears. None of them spoke. Doc Scratch came in, voice so upbeat it made Equius’ head spin.

 

Then he lost track of things for some amount of time—he didn’t know how long—and he was suddenly in his room. Robotically he took off his shades, intent on putting them away for safety.

 

The blood stared back at him.

 

How could he have gotten blood on Nepeta’s gift? Seized by disgust, Equius grabbed a towel and started to wipe it off. The blood only smeared across the lenses, however, and he pressed harder, rubbing furiously at the stains.

 

Suddenly the glasses snapped. Not just in the middle where he might tape it back together, but a lens shattered and one of the temples broke off, joint and all.

 

Equius stared at the ruined pieces. He couldn’t face Nepeta after this. How could he have been so careless?

 

Gently as he could, though it was far too late for that, Equius scooped up the remains and tucked them into their case. He even picked up every shard by hand, not flinching when he cut himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If it's any consolation, they did get cake. No one had an appetite though.


	4. IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Equius sees Nepeta again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey this chapter only took two months give or take lmao. 
> 
> Mild self harm and eye horror, btw.

Equius had not seen Nepeta for a month. He thought about her constantly, thought about seeking out her comfort, then berated himself; she deserved better than him. He didn’t even deserve to remember her face.

 

None of them had snuck out to see the others since—

 

The screwdriver in his hand snapped. Snared by rage, Equius tossed it and the pieces he had been screwing together across his room. They slammed against the wall and clattered to the floor, leaving a small dent in their wake.

 

Rage ebbed away and was replaced with a consuming exhaustion. He hadn’t been sleeping well. None of them had. At night they all ended up seeking each other out for a solace they couldn’t supply or couldn’t accept.

 

Equius pushed his glasses up, rubbing furiously at his eyes. They were dry and stung, and this was no relief. He pushed a little harder, reveled in the pressure that made it feel like he could just squish his eyes in their sockets. Or maybe he could dig in and rip them out. Toss them on the ground and stomp on them so he didn’t have to see his own failures anymore.

 

His eyes were watering, tears slipping out from behind his lids and making his fingers slick. Probably a good sign to stop.

 

After another moment he finally pulled back.

 

He stared at the mess he’d made with the intent to clean it up. Instead he just stood there uselessly until his door opened and Gamzee took a step inside, hanging off the knob.

 

“Sup, motherfucker?”

 

“Your language is so uncouth and unbecoming.”

 

“Don’t need no flattery to get up on my good graces, bro. What miracles are you all motherfucking piecing together?”

 

Sighing, Equius turned back to his table and replied, “I’m not making anything even close to miracles, Gamzee. Simply messes.”

 

Gamzee came fully into the room, closing the door with a heel. He slid up behind Equius, so close it made sweat bead on the back of his neck.

 

“Even messes are their own sort of miracles, my high-strung brother.”

 

“I in no way agree with that nor do I understand the logic, but I refrain from engaging in it further, dreading whatever answer you would come up with.”

 

Gamzee snickered, saying, “Fair ‘nough.”

 

As Equius tidied up his work area Gamzee just watched in unnerving silence. It was obvious there was something more on his mind, but for whatever reason he was waiting. It agitated Equius, made his skin crawl with the uncertainty and anticipation, until finally he could take it no longer.

 

“Why are you here?”

 

Equius rounded on him, eye twitching at his cool demeanor. An easy grin had spread across his face. There was the promise of _something_ in it, something Equius knew he wouldn’t enjoy.

 

“You miss your kitty sis?”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“Don’t all act like your sponges ain’t absorbing my words, Equius. We ain’t been across the way to see the others for a good while now, and they all up got their miss on for us.”

 

Equius stared down at his hands.

 

“They’re better off without us, Gamzee. Nepeta...Nepeta doesn’t need me in her life.”

 

“Maybe so, bro, but they all up _want_ us in their lives. Karkat keeps on visiting my dreams.” Gamzee gave a fond chuckle. “Keeps on shouting, yelling ‘cause we ain’t been by, ain’t given them a word on what the fuck’s been a-happening. Says Nepeta misses you fierce.”

 

Equius was clenching his jaw and fists both. Every time he tried to go to sleep Nanna’s face popped into his mind, every time he washed his hands he swore he saw residual blood spots. He couldn’t concentrate on anything, couldn’t get anything to work. Including himself. Nepeta shouldn’t be subjected to his condition. She deserved so much better.

 

“I love her dearly. That’s why I’m staying away.”

 

“I feel you, motherfucker, but Karkat’s loud like a righteous horn right in the ear. Fucking, a wicked ninja can’t take much more of it. And if I go, you go. Sound good?”

 

“It does not in fact—“ he brought up his hands to make air quotes, “‘sound good’.”

 

Gamzee just grinned wide and nefarious. It curled at the edges.

 

“Shit, bro, didn’t mean to all up fool you like it was a choice. It sure as shit isn’t. We’re gonna go see Karbro and Nepsis, tonight.”

 

“I refuse,” Equius declared, steadfast in his decision. Unfortunately, so was Gamzee, and he had the upper hand.

 

“Motherfucker, if you all up don’t wanna come peacefully I’ll just pick you up and carry your fine solid ass the whole way.”

 

“Oh my hoofness.”

 

Equius was suddenly hot all over. Judging by Gamzee’s easy smugness he knew exactly what affect that had. He won.

 

“That is most unnecessary. I—I’ll go peacefully. But I won’t enjoy it.”

 

“That part don’t matter to me much, brother. See you tonight.”

 

With that Gamzee moseyed back out of his room. The closing door echoed in Equius’ ears.

 

—

 

Equius was torn. On one hand he desperately craved Nepeta’s calming presence, but still he thought it better not to subject her to, well, him. Not after what he’d done. Not considering what he _was_. Little more than a pawn.

 

Then he laid eyes on her and he was struck with a mixture of grief, guilt, _need_. It all rolled around in him, heavy, blocking any protests he might have had as Nepeta grabbed his arm and pulled him into another room for privacy. Before he could figure out how to form sentences her arms were tight around him, face nuzzling against his neck.

 

“I missed mew so much! Why did mew disappear?”

 

Still unable to manage words, Equius slowly lifted his arms and embraced her back. He tried not to use too much strength, but worried he wouldn’t know if he had until her spine was snapped. Selfishly, though, he couldn’t resist touching her.

 

Months ago they’d all made a fort with blankets and pillows pilfered over a period of time until they’d finally had enough for a grand castle that could fit them all. Nepeta guided him there now, making him sit before settling beside him. Her thigh was pressed against his but she kept her hands to herself between her legs, gripping a pillow beneath her. There were questions in her eyes; she was biting her lip to keep them all from escaping at once. She just stared at him imploringly. There was no way he could resist her.

 

“I’m sorry, Nepeta. There was... A lot—a lot has, ah, gone on.”

 

Equius cringed. He was stuttering almost as bad as Tavros. Nepeta didn’t seem to mind, scooting even closer so their sides were pressed together.

 

“Mew can tell me anything, Equius.”

 

He believed her. Wholeheartedly he believed her. Again he apologized, face suddenly wet. Sweat, he assumed at first, but then Nepeta was laying them both down.

 

“It’s alright to cry. I’m here.”

 

Equius buried his face against her neck. His glasses dug into his skin but the pain was nothing compared to her comfort. Arms wrapped around him, pulling him close. He took in her whole presence, let every bit of her wash over him.

 

“Mew don’t have to say anything, either. That’s okay, too. Whatefur mew need, Equius, I’m here.”

 

The absurdity of her pun loyalty struck him and he shook with laughter bordering on the hysterical. She squeezed him tighter, cheek nuzzling against the top of his head. He laughed himself hoarse, tears stinging his eyes.

 

They stayed like that for a while, Nepeta not pushing him. She threaded nimble fingers through his hair, and after a moment started up a deep rumble of a purr that oddly soothed him. Equius found himself drifting in and out of consciousness. He fought it at first, but her whispered _I’ve got mew, just rest_ was enough to make him give in. As sleep washed over him, his last though was a vow to never harm anyone again, no matter Scratch’s orders.


End file.
